How do I let my old-fashioned sensabilities down slowly when they insist on thinking engagement, marriage and children? He says he’s old-fashioned and yet he’s modern with the whole “you should wait years for this stuff” attitude. The old-fashioned way was to court until you couldn’t take it any longer (or she was finally old enough – one of the two) then engagement. Marriage happened as soon as the young man had all of his ducks in a row, ie: a farmstead or home in which to place his new bride and start a family in.

In today’s age, most people have their own homes long before they find that special someone to settle down with. Many times with the idea of selling it if they ever do get married and the marriage is still working after 5 yrs. He has a townhome he owns – I didn’t want to be bogged down by a house when I was younger, so I never even considered it, let alone put it on my list of priorities.

He finally said that word to me, you know the L word. He hadn’t said it outloud and I told him I was getting nervous because of the lack. He pointed out the many things which showed his love for me and he is right, but I didn’t know that those things were indicative of love. They aren’t always a sure sign of it, he agreed to that summation and said that in his case, it is a sure sign. My nervous anxiety lessened a lot.

He’s so grouchy this week, I just want Thursday to get here so that we can know if he’s laid off or not. The build up is making him unsocially grumpy and kind of snippy towards me, not fun company for the most part.

So now I’m supposed to settle down into a relationship with him, long-term, see how it goes, test out the product time period thingie. Right? It makes me so jumpy and fidgety, every man I’ve ever had these marriage type conversations with have left me in the most horrible ways possible. Is it any wonder I’m kind of antsy when I’m faced with it again?

He said that he’s getting used to my paranoia about his loyalty and isn’t freaked out by it. That’s the only soothing words he’s willing to give me on it though, all I want is to hear that he’s on the same page and I’m fine. Maybe it’s too much to ask. I don’t know, but it’s not enough to make me run away. Being persistant worked with him once, why should I give up now?

I’ve not had a relationship last longer than 3 months since I was 21 – I really am a fish outta water with all of this.

The only thing I can really find wrong is being on happiness overload and my paranoids are acting up as a result. I’m terrified that one day he’ll decide he doesn’t want me after all and just walk away. It’s not a “he’ll find someone better/younger/thinner” jealousy fear, just that one day he’ll wake up and say “she’s too crazy for me, I better make a break and run for it.”

I really need a good long cry and it seems so silly to say that I need to bawl my eyes out over happiness and bliss, but it’s the truth. I’m just so freaked out right now, I’m extremely happy and extremely vulnerable because of it.

He talks marriage and kids, gets my hopes up and then backs off and cools completely. Back and forth, back and forth – though he never leaves my side, he never cools to the point of break up or anything anywhere close to it.

Then there’s the knowledge that I am his first Real girlfriend… I don’t even want to go down that path, there are so many demons on it – I could charge down it blindfolded and hacking randomly with my katana, take down at least a dozen of them by accident.

I think I would be soothed if he either stated “I am going to marry you, I just want us to take our time getting there.” or actually said “Fuck the whole, too soon thing” and proposed to me. Until something along those lines happens I’m going to be going through this old wounds torture. I’m trying to quell my panic that he’ll end up like the fiances of my youth – push away from me and tell me I was just a diversion for a time, but that he never meant any 0f the things he said to me and that I was pushing for marriage, he never wanted it. Or that I’m not good enough and too weird/wild/crazy/bohemian for him.

Gods, I have so much baggage. Maybe that’s his problem – all of his baggage is making him crazy as well and he doesn’t know which way is up.

I think it’s time for us to talk about us again, thankfully he’s the kind of guy who usually starts those talks and loves them. This is what happens when you get two analyzers together… we have to talk about everything, then think about it too much and then talk about it some more.

He really is wonderful and the man I’ve asked for all these years. I’ve just got to remember to B.r.e.a.th.e.

It’s amazing how compatible we are with each other.  He says he’s not good at something and by golly, it just so happens to be something I’m good at. Vice versa happens equally. He’s patient with my little outbursts and waits until the storms blow over as they always do – quickly and with me moping silently for all of 10mins before getting over it completely.

Every day he tells me I’m amazing, calls me beautiful, is sparked by just my kisses, looks at me with this mindblowing gaze which makes me feel adored and safe, simultaneously.  When we are separated, I am slightly relieved for the reprieve from all the sexual tension and pure giddy glee, but, it doesn’t last long before I’m missing him.

I am willing to do anything for him and he’s always surprising me with his thoughtfulness, attention to detail and joy at finding new ways to surprise me. He’s creative and comes up with ideas all the time. He has dreams and has the brain for them to happen – I think all he needs is support and someone to cheer him on, to not remain in his safe zone. As long as I don’t push him, let him do it on his own time.  There’s much I want to do and I can totally see being able, willing and encouraged to do all of it with him by my side.

Maybe all of this seems sudden, theres so many months and years ahead of us, we shouldn’t jump too soon. But in all my years and all my lovers, never have I Ever experienced anything like this. He melted the cynicism out of me, the bitterness is gone and all he can say is: “I’m really happy.” What else is there to say? We Are happy.

Our neurotic tendencies seem to compliment each other, our temperaments match completely – chaotic, mischievous and yet oddly OCD disciplined and controlling. He doesn’t like to plan anything, but he likes to be surprised and is willing to go along with just about anything. If I’m willing to do all the research and work into planning a trip, he’s right there willing to make it happen and ecstatic to discover what I have in store for us.

We just spent 2d/2n in a cabin in Estes Park with a jacuzzi in the bedroom, a fireplace, a wrapped deck and a full kitchen which I utilized to cook my best meals and stuff him silly. He wants to do Mexico next, probably Tulum – I’ve begun looking into oceanside cabanas and casitas. We want to explore all of the ruins of the Yucatan.

Ireland is also on the bill for the near future. Here’s hoping he keeps his awesome job which allows him to take vacations on short notice as long as there’s wifi available to do a little work here and there.

He also likes to surprise and pulls out some whoppers. He’s so freaking smart it blows me away and yet he says the same thing about me to me. He loves to show me new things, the teacher/student roles between us are so plyably interchangable it’s amazing.

We’re a big ball of compliments for each other almost constantly, we laugh a lot of the time and grin stupidly at each other in dumbfounded silence for long periods of time.

He’s already dropped a hint of thinking towards marriage with the possibility of kids, I don’t think he meant to do it. He tried to cover his tracks and just flustered himself further. (It was adorable, so I added to the fluster with an extra dose of flummoxed chaos and then made fun of him later and told him that it didn’t bother me if he thought towards a possible future. What is too soon or too long or just right? I think we need Goldilocks’ advice, but she’s been chased away by the bears.)

He loves to just sit and watch me while I do things, like cooking or cleaning. I don’t even know that he’s there until I turn around and catch him smiling at me.

Someone said that I better not break his heart – I think the risk is mutual and we pinkie swore to not treat each other the ways our former lovers treated us. He will not be scared away, nor will I.

He’s my closest friend and just looking at him dilates my pupils, the moments of silent zen between us are better than gold.

I jokingly asked if I could now call him my boyfriend without a freak out. He answered me quite seriously – Yes.

He seems just as happy as I am, wants to do things with me – wants to figure out a routine to make it easier for us to be together as much as possible without interferring with our work. New love never has any time or space for mundane things like work, but we try to be good about it anyway.

He is now complimenting me openly, doing little thoughtful things for me, is eager to touch and kiss me as often as, if not more than, I am to touch and kiss him. Sometimes I can’t help myself, I have to touch him even in the smallest way – just to get a smile out of him and a coy glance out of the corner of his eye at me.

He’s really actually happy and excited to be with me, is amazed and grateful for me. Wow. I never thought I’d find this, with a man who is my equal (though he is smarter than I am on many fronts.) We don’t fight, we talk about what’s going on in our heads and hearts. We discuss like philosophers, give definitions of words and terms, figure out the miscommunication and mislaid expectations, pull them out, take a new viewpoint and come out even happier on the other side.

There’s a song by the Proclaimers which has been going through my brain all day, I used to cry over it, longing to feel the joy within it.

Please pinch me, this is my song now.

“Then I Met You”

Thought that Id be happy
Going to be so happy
Living life alone and never sharing anything

Thought that I was finished
Thought that I was complete
Thought that I was whole instead of being half of something

Thought that I was growing
Growing older, wiser
Understanding why this world held nothing for my spirit

Thought that I was destined
Destined to be nothing
Destined to be nothing in this world and then I met you.

I met you

Thought that God had failed me
Thought my prayers were useless
Thought that he would never give the chance for me to praise him

Thought the book was written
Thought the game had ended
Thought the song was sung and I could never sing another

Thought my faith was misplaced
Thought my back was broken
Broken by a weight that I was never fit to carry

Thought I knew this city
Thought I knew all about it
And then one night I went to morningside and you were waiting

I met you

Proclaimers (TM)

I love your guts, I love your goo
Your ugly blood, your creepy heart
The heart that’s true to me and you
I thank you
I’d eat your gum, I’d eat your goo
I love the blood that lights your eyes
And makes your lips the colour blue
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You’re blameless and I’m shameless
I am the shit upon your shoe
Your creepy blood is in my heart
The heart that’s true to me and you
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You’re blameless and I’m shameless
I’m in the mud, I’m in the goo
Your face is cold, your lips are blue
But your heart is true to me and you
I thank you
Your flesh and your insides
Your blood and your outsides
You’re blameless and I’m shameless

As of this week, I am thankful. I’m more than thankful.

That this time it paid to be persistent, that he is thankful for my persistence.  There’s this wonderful man in my life and last night he called me amazing, last night we acted like a new couple in front of our friends. Though the PDA wasn’t there, that’s fine – I don’t think either one of us is really into being mushy-gushy in public.

We’re going for a romantic mtn retreat this weekend, renting a cabin with a hot tub and fireplace and disappearing for a few days. I suggested it and he loved it. I am so crazy for this man I can’t even describe.

He was still afraid I would change my mind about how I feel about him and treat him like shit – like his last ex.
I want to punch the bitch for hurting him so badly.
I promised I would never do that to him, that I have already made up my mind about him and that is to love him, be patient, be loyal and celebrate finding him as much as possible.
He eats it up like a starved man, he told me he’s not used to the praise I give him and all the wonderful things I say to him, that he doesn’t know how to respond but that doesn’t mean he wants me to stop! (lol)
He was afraid that I would fall for him if we had sex – even though I had been trying to get it through his head that I’ve already become attached to him with or without it. He finally got it this weekend and opened up like nobody’s business.
I do love him, he’s more and more amazing with each passing day.

Now that it’s ok to be physically attracted to each other, he can barely keep his hands off of me. The distance between us is closing, he’s starting to get excited about us – finally.

For those who think we’ve jumped from chaste to sex, this is not the case. Think of it more in high school terms, we’ve reached 2nd base. As always, I was nervous about being naked in front of him. I have not been kind to my body over the years and do not like the way I look. He told me that it doesn’t bother him, he’s turned on by me and so it’s shouldn’t bother me either. I’m starting to feel sexy again. (It’s amazing what cutting off a couple of feet of hair can do to one’s self-image.)

He told me that he likes my hair a lot, the length, the color, the softness, the smell… it just tickles his face.

He looks at me with adoration and want in his eyes, he is distracted just by the sight of me. He pampers and spoils me. He makes me laugh and can carry a deep conversation about almost anything for hours on end.

He’d never when a contest for looks, but I think he’s beautiful and he’s the most amazing person. I am so glad I waited for him instead of just jumping into a bad marriage like so many others.

This is what it feels like to have reciprocation, I had no idea it would be this wonderful.

We held hands, he played with my hair and rubbed my back, sat with his hand resting in between my shoulder blades. I was honest with him as always, I told him that I’ve had some steamy dreams about him lately and that I liked them.  There were so many times that our faces were close and it seemed like he wanted to kiss me, that he was responding to me in more than a platonic way – but I will not press him, he deserves all the space he needs.

When I was trying to get him to not drive home tired and just spend the night, that I miss sleeping next to him – he blurted out, “Are things getting complicated and confusing again?!?”

I was extremely surprised by that and told him “Not that I’m aware of, we’re letting things happen however they happen remember? No expectation, no pushing.  I love you no matter what, remember that. I just like sleeping next to you is all.”

He relaxed visibly and then it dawned on me that maybe he’s feeling confused about something going on within him. So I asked him why did he feel it’s getting complicated and confusing. He talked about my signals tonight and how he didn’t know what to do with them. I told him that my sex dreams are because he is my closest male companion and I haven’t had sex in months even though I’m in the beginnings of my sexual peak. He said that he hasn’t had sex in a long time and the signals I was sending turned him on a lot.

We were really playful through most of the night, tickling each other and laughing. I think this is flirting to him, I’ll have to remember it. He says my face is as easy to read as a little kid’s, he’s never known someone with as many facial expressions before. (It’s one of the reasons I was so good at acting. To me I was just looking at him and seeing his beauty, loving him with my whole being and celebrating having such a wonderful person in my life.

We keep establishing for each other that we’re not going to walk away or be scared away or anything of the sort. We keep testing the ground between us and finding it rock solid.

I thought he wasn’t attracted to me but now I know I was wrong. He thought I wasn’t attracted to him, now he knows he was wrong.  So I stood in front of him and said “So kiss me you fool.”

And he did, so soft and sweet but incredibly hot – the sparks flew between us, we pulled away from each other with difficulty.  I told him that was a Much better kiss than the first time around. He shot back that he was prepared this time. (Really?!? I totally didn’t see that response coming!) Then he told me that it was much nicer this time for him as well and if we weren’t both tired, he might see how far it would go. But we both have responsibilities today and I hadn’t been to bed for 2 days, so he left me and went home.

He told me he didn’t want to sleep in bed with me because he didn’t think he could behave himself, that alone is such a turn on.

I’m still afraid that sex will change everything in a bad way, but maybe we’ve established enough of a foundation that it won’t. We do have plenty to talk about when we’re not in bed together, we enjoy each other’s company in a platonic way better than we enjoy almost anyone else’s company period. We love, respect and like each other immensely. We’re both stubborn and confused equally in the right ways.

We balance each other out, enough common interests and enough individual interests which are exact opposites from each other. He can handle and even finds amusing my neurotic behaviors, I feel the same about his.

I need to get over this fear that the relationship will turn purely sexual and what we had before will go away. Maybe I need to look at it as a beautiful addition to our relationship, could it be that I am finally maturing in this area of relationships? I just love him so much, I don’t want anything to ruin what we have.

This best part? I’m not manic about how I feel for him, it’s the first time I’ve loved someone romantically and had it be so comfortable, pleasurable and non-hectic. My brain has stopped spinning in self-destructive circles around what’s going on, I am simply happy in being with him and can’t imagine my life without him any longer.

We hung out at his place last night for a couple of hours, it was so good to see his face again and to hug him close. We’re already looking into going on vacation together early next year, somewhere with beaches, warmth, snorkeling and archeological sites to explore.

My Mom calls us a platonic couple. She and her best friend are the same way, Kathy is my mother’s platonic partner – I’ve thought of her in that light for years now. It seems I am more like my mother than I’ve ever imagined.

He is so pragmatic and yet so sweet about it. He got me a AAA membership for Christmas. How endearing is that? I guess this is what it’s like to be with someone who is 1/2 German, 1/2 Dutch – practical yet sensitive.

I love him, I truly do and I no longer stutter over the thought.

I’ve talked to him and passed emails back and forth almost daily, yet I want to curl up into him and listen to his heartbeat. I feel safe and secure cuddled up against him, like I have never felt with anyone, ever – not friends, not family, not lovers.

We talked last night when I got back to my friend’s house from running around with the SF SantaCon, I really missed him during that – it’s hard being the only introvert in a group of people, nobody likes sitting to one side people watching with you and I get nauseated at the thought of being as crazy and forward as the extroverts. He would’ve been happy to sit with me and talk about all we saw, been a buffer. I’ve been holding back tears of being overwhelmed for days now, I’m trying so very hard to be brave and experimental and open to new things and people. I’m openminded and accepting, it’s just that most people don’t seem to be able to be like this with me and my ways.

Anyway, on the phone last night he asked me “when, um well, when will you be available to hang out when you get home this week? I imagine you’ll want to be alone for a day or so.” But he really wanted to see me on Wednesday and misses me terribly, it makes my heart melt. I told him that I want to see him on Wednesday as soon as he gets off work, that we can go to a friends’ house so I can hand out birthday presents that night. He was happy with that idea.

I really feel like we’re in love but just not able to put the title on it due to the stigma we have placed on love from past horrible experiences.

I only know that I miss him terribly and ache to be in his arms again, smelling his smell, hearing his heart, listening to him chuckle, sharing everything under the sun.